Below, is a little bit of my testimony about how I began to change my ways and get closer to God. In today's world, spirituality is trending, and everyone is quoting popular bible verses- however for me it was deeper than that. I truly yearned for God's love, deliverance, forgiveness, and mercy.
This is my testimony.
Photo credits: unsplashimages
On December 3, 2023, I made a life changing decision to give up my worldly ways and follow the plan God had for my life. That decision was not easy to make years prior, due to me being afraid to walk away from clubbing, my music, drinking, cursing, smoking, and sex. I believed that all of those things fulfilled me when I was having a bad day or even a good day; it became routine.
My friends and I loved "turning up" and "being outside" when there were certain festivities going on in our city or even on a regular weekend, as long as, we were not in the house after working all week. In those moments, it was full of fun and excitement, but by nightfall and it's time to go home; I was back to my ongoing thoughts, feelings of regret and worry, and unhappiness. I was going through so much mentally and emotionally there was no escape route, it felt like I was constantly holding my breath, or my brain was going to explode.
Pictured: Me at a local bar in 2019
I was in a very toxic situationship, barely getting by financially, being a full-time mommy while working 1 or 2 jobs so I could maintain the bills and my children's sports, etc. etc. I had so much on my plate I wasn't sure if I could go on any longer -I was extremely exhausted. My mental capacity was declining and the only thing I wanted to do was disappear. I wanted a break from my chaotic life, I wanted a break from being a mom, I wanted to stop being available to everyone because I was a people pleaser and didn't like to tell people No. So, my outlet was all of the things I didn't want to give away, they were the crutch to my issues.
B. Simone and Megan Ashley - Photo credits: thenationalva
On the days leading up to my transition, I was watching "Know for Sure" podcast with B. Simone and Megan Ashley every single night at work. I started at the first podcast and binged until the final episode, the way Megan Ashley broke down God's Word and her extreme passion for it caused me to want to know God for myself and potentially experience my own beautiful encounter with him as well. Once I embarked on my spiritual journey, I began to feel a heavy urge to forgive others who wronged me and ask those who I wronged to forgive me also. I was a very stubborn, prideful woman so the fact that I took to the time to sit and realize where I went wrong in relationships/friendships and take accountability for it, proves that God was doing some work inside me.
A little while after taking accountability, I had a moment of confession, where I would confess out of my mouth certain sins I committed to my mom, and some stuff probably should've gone to the grave with me, but it needed to be said out loud. Although my mom was probably shocked, disappointed, curious, and maybe had a lot of questions ha-ha; she sat there and listened to me. When I would cry my eyes out, she held me, gave encouraging words to get me through it, and didn't judge any of my horrible decisions. For some reason, I felt like my mom needed to know the full truth of things I've done, my mental status, and what I was actively seeking at that time of my life. It seemed as if God was saying, release it all- and it felt amazing afterwards, definitely a HUGE weight off of my shoulders.
As humans we are naturally afraid of judgement and abandonment from friends, family, and even strangers if they were to find out about the skeletons we have hidden deep in our closets. But when you have God on your side, you will not fear anything people have to say or will say about you. The ultimate judge is God and only he can convict you of your sins not man, we can get so caught up in other people's sins that we tend to forget that our heart posture and worldly ways can keep us from entering the kingdom of heaven.
So, when I walked into church on that beautiful Sunday morning of December 3, 2023, I had my mind made up to give it all to God; all of my pain, worries, depression, suicide thoughts, anxiety, clubbing, smoking, drinking, sex, foul language, my LIFE. I began to go into isolation, where I didn't communicate with my family and friends much-even let go of a few toxic people in my circle; I spent time working, reading my bible, listening to faith-based music/gospel, reading devotionals, journaling, praying, watching Christian podcasts, etc. etc. Anything that could fill my spirit in a positive way I would indulge in it. The best decision I could have made.
I am not 100% where I want to be in this life, but I can guarantee you I'm not where I use to be, and I am better than I use to be.
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