As a woman who has never taken a moment to be single and reflect on the things that were more important, this season of my life has been surprisingly empowering and unapologetic. In this post, I will be taking you guys on the journey of myself going from a relationship-dependent woman to an unapologetic single woman of faith.
As early as fourteen years old, I found myself in a place of searching for love. I didn't feel like the people in my life at the time loved me but was just tolerating me. I was in a home where showing affection wasn't displayed every day, there wasn't much hugging, or words of love expressed. My mother was married raising 6 kids 'by herself', working, cooking, cleaning, going through body changes, hair changes, was dealing with disrespect from a husband that was supposed to make her feel safe, heard and loved. Living in a home like that can alter a child's mind, it could cause a child to repeat the same cycle or stay far away from a situation like that when they are dating.
I was the child who wanted to stay far away from a relationship like that. I didn't quite understand why my mother didn't walk away at that time and I had begun to resent her for it, and told myself I would never stick with a man who didn't love me correctly or disrespected me all the time. Well, I'll just say the enemy made sure I lived through her situation and more.
At fourteen years old, I met a boy I had so much in common with; we shared the same sense of humor and goals for when we were older; we even had the same favorite movie-- I just knew he was going to be my husband, and we were going to live this happy, long life. We would arrange movie dates and skating rink dates whenever I had the privilege to go with my friends. Our time was cut short due to distance playing a part in our courtship, one day he called me to break it off because he started liking a girl who lived closer to him at that time. Instant heartache struck me, this was my first experience with love and my first heartbreak outside of home, I was filled with so much devastation and confusion, I thought life was over.
At fifteen, I met a boy who lived in the same area as I did but attended a different school, he was such a cutie to me, so we began courting. We both had knowledge of my mom not allowing me to talk to boys, so I would always text him when I would take out the trash so we could see each other before the day ended. Our time was always limited, so we would just text or talk on the phone a lot. Then one day, another boy in our neighborhood told me he was talking to another girl in the same area and insisted that I needed to leave him alone and give him a chance instead. I found out it was true, so I began courting this boy like he insisted-- yes, I know, just.... yeah lol. While talking to this boy, I found out he was older and was more aggressive and physical than the other boys I've courted before; he wanted things to go further between us once he knew I've never had the experience. One day, he asked me to meet him at this mobile home to talk, but it was never about talking, instead that was the moment my innocence was taken away from me. I had never cried so much before that moment, he wanted to be the one to strip my innocence so my voice did not matter, and then the enemy began to play games with my mind; like, it was my fault and was reminding me of the time my grandmother telling me I was good for nothing but laying on my back-- I had started to come in agreeance after that moment.
At sixteen, I had a guy best friend who knew about all of the craziness that was happening to me and going on around me, so we later began forming feelings for each other and then began dating. We dated all through high school, he was truly my other half, others saw him as a lame but to me he matched me so well. I've never had the courage to go after a boy before, but for him I manifested and made the first move to initiate our relationship; he knew everything about me and didn't judge me for any of it. We went on to be the couple everyone in high school knew about, I was very protective over him, and he was the same for me, that boy had me wrapped around his whole hand. Now, we weren't perfect at all, we had off and on moments and some sneaky stuff going on, but our hearts were so intertwined with each other we would forgive and keep going like nothing never happened. After high school we started a family that following year and moved in together, we had even gotten engaged on my 19th birthday; but the devil began to work in our relationship and respect went the out the front door. He was stepping out and so was I, we had been together so long and was having underlying issues that would sometimes lead to fighting so we both agreed to walk away completely.
At twenty years old, a month after my breakup, I had met a boy through my mom and her friend, which was the friend's son. I had no intentions of dating at the time because I was fresh out of a relationship with a boy I've known for a huge chunk of my childhood and had still harvested feelings for. His mom, insisting that I get know him, we begin talking to each other and we swapped numbers. I had found out that he did some time in prison but was currently at a halfway house; the boy was so fine to me I didn't care what the charges were--if I can be honest. This was my first experience with a 'bad boy', but as we began talking and hanging out, I noticed how smart, sweet, intellectual, affectionate, reassuring, and vulnerable he was; like he had my full undivided attention. He later on, committed another crime and had to go back to jail, I was so crushed; I didn't eat, I didn't want to talk if it wasn't to him, I had lost so much weight, and I completely disconnected from the world. My heart was in so much pain, he had become somebody that I relied on for all of the things I been wanting to feel for a long time; I would be anxious every day to hear his voice so I could feel a sense of peace. While he was incarcerated, we had promised to tattoo each other names to prove our love for each other, and we did. Once he finally came back home, things were good for a little while then I found out he was talking to other girls, it was the hardest decision to make but I chose to walk away from the relationship.
After that relationship, I was still holding on to those feelings, so we would meet here and there until one day I said, I'm done for real this time. I had a few months of partying with friends, drinking, and smoking every weekend. I was finally feeling like I wasn't bound to a relationship, I could talk to whoever I wanted and do whatever I wanted without answering to anyone or them answering to me. There was so much going on with my partying lifestyle, that I felt as though something was going to go terribly wrong; so, I had stepped back a little to focus on work and my son a lot more.
Then, at twenty-one years old, an old teenage fling that had recently gotten out of prison contacted me. Me then, being more conscious about the lies boys can tell me to get what they wanted, I avoided him for two weeks then one day I had gotten off of work to find him waiting for me. I was actually flattered of the effort he put in to locate me, so I agreed to talk with him more and see where things could end up with us. Things were going pretty good for a while and I made the decision to move him into my home, then, is when his true colors began to reveal themselves a little bit at a time. The cheating, sneaking, lying, and fighting started and continued throughout the course of our relationship together. You would think that at the first sign of disrespect I would've left without any hesitation like I always said I would, if I ever encountered a disrespectful man and lack of love, but it was like I was bound to him, I would talk myself into staying after he said sorry, after sex, and after I would tell myself, "he was incarcerated for a while 'so let me give him grace", I would convince myself of everything except for leaving. Later on in our relationship, it was good than bad, good than worse, and then flat out dangerous for everybody. In this relationship, I lost my voice, my peace, my mind, my hope, and my self-esteem; I found myself in a worse position than my mother's marriage.
After going through all of the rollercoasters to try and find love, I made the decision two years ago to only focus on myself. No relationship, no sex, and no communication with any man. I have suffered betrayal, manipulation, loss, pain, abuse in many forms, and disrespect; and I promised to never deal with or tolerate that again. I was so distracted with the idea of wanting things and people of this world to make me feel whole. Due to my lack of knowledge of God, I didn't know the amount of love, grace, and mercy he was giving me throughout those years of my life; I thought about suicide, I thought about the things my grandmother spoke over me and how they were all coming to pass, so I began to believe that I was only passing through this life to serve everybody else but never be the one with a servant.
BUT GOD... He saw my tears and knew my pain, so he gave me the courage to remove myself from that current situation. Over time, I started focusing more on him and wanting to know more about him, so he led me to the people I needed to see speak about all of his goodness and his forgiveness; because the Lord knows I needed a lot to be forgiven for. I became so invested into the faith, everything I thought I was bound to was no longer a hindrance to me-- it was easy to walk away from a lot of things and people who was distracting me from what God had planned for my life. I have now been a follower of Jesus Christ for 2 years, there is still so much more for me to learn.
The enemy will trick you into believing that you are alone, and no one loves you, but the devil is a liar. God forgives, redeems, delivers, cleans, renews, and loves everyone who believes in and love him. If he did it for me, he will do it for you. I value myself so much more now and now have knowledge of what God says about me, the opinions that others have about me doesn't hold space in my life anymore.
Know that God is wanting what's best for all of us, we just have to want it for ourselves too.
But Christ died for us while we were still sinners, and by this God showed how much he loves us. - Romans 5:8 ERV
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